"frustrated" [this is a journal entry] october 23, 1999. oh babylove. i want to be skinny. i have become so bloody obsessed with weight recently. please, don't misunderstand this, let me explain. since i've never been good or arsed at working out, i'll probably try to achieve my goals by not eating anything. this whole food thing has always been a part of me; i never feel hunger. never. if i'm home alone i never eat, like the last couple of days; i haven't eaten anything at home. just in school, where you get served totally disgusting vegetarian food, like rice mixed with peas, pepper and corn. or soup with nothing but potatoes and carrots. sigh. i've lost 6 kg in 3 months. actually the thing about starving is the discipline. i feel in control and powerful by watching other people eat and having none myself. like my mates, they can't make it through the 6 hour school day without sweets and a half litre bottle of coke. silly. i never get tempted to eat candy, at least i haven't for some time. i feel so horrible after eating, say, some chocolate. i can feel it rushing to my system and placing itself around my waist. makes me sick. one chocolate bar = nothing the next day. i'm not skinny. honesty, i'm not. i've always been the fat kid. always the fat kid. even if i read daily and get told daily how people say that supermodels and other skinny people look horrible and that it's not natural to look like that, i still think kate moss, twiggy, jodie kidd etc are some of the most beautiful people ever. i don't care about what the people say, all the people i hate, all the people i'll never ever get something to do with, all the doctors, experts, ordinairy faceless gray people off the street, i still want to be skinny. i think skinny is beautiful, i want to be skinny. fuck them! they're just sad and jealous because of the fact that some people have the discipline to get slim. they end up miserable and getting heart attacks. yesterday i had this conversation with one of my mates. it was about self harm, my food obsession and things like that. this person couldn't understand me, i think this person tried to, but no. i said that i'm not proud over my cutting. this person was surprised. "what!?". can't remember much of that conversation, really. though i must've seemed like a sad fuck. sigh. it's all useless. i don't think i'll make it any longer. i'm living a lie. i'm useless. being skinny won't make me happy. nothing will make me happy. all this shit about finding love and that… bullshit! well, i guess i would be happy if i didn't have to have anything to do with other people. then i wouldn't have to lie. sympathy is evil. i want to die. fuck, that makes me sound like a kurt cobain wannabe. oh let me laugh. i'm a selfish bitch. it's just me, myself and i. cynical? perhaps. it's just that i don't like people.
"a day in the life of ..." 0700 am. i get woken up by mum since i don't trust alarm clocks. i curse and somehow manage to pull myself up out of bed. i eat breakfast (= one cup of cold chocolate + a glass of orange juice. i can't really eat in the morning.) i head back to my room for make-up and clooothing. first i sit wondering how i'll look today, then i dig out my teletubby-makeupbag and off i go. this happens whilst listening to musick, usually the pop tarts or sleater-kinney. or perhaps monty python for that matter. hmm. after finishing my face i take 3 steps to my closet. i dig out whatever i've chosen to wear and well, put it on. there are certain accessories i possibly couldn't live without - these are my bracelets (1 red & 1 black studded, 2 plastic ones filled with beads and the provinssirock "ticket-bracelet" from this summer which i still haven't been able to cut off + a whole lot more), my "tolerate-ring" (looks exactly the same as the one james dean bradfield is wearing in the if you tolerate this your children will be next-video; plain, quite thick and silver-y), my studded pink choker with long spikes and my watch.
0800 am. school. mum gave me a ride. i'm usually late, because i'm so lazy with that make-up and allofthat. school is utter boring crap. hmm. no, it's actually not school that's crap - it's the people in it. they hate me. why? because i'm that gloomy punk girl with strange clothes who's always listening to her walkman (=wearing 1 rabbit-, 1 po-, 1 star-, and 1 elmo-sticker). well what do you know? i hate them too! which makes us even... during the brakes i hang with my gang (lena, sara + alexander) and sometimes talk to some of the very, very rare decent people in that hellhole. as in all other schools, the food sucks. specially mine as i eat vegetarian. oh y u k! you can't call that food! well, well... fuck school.
1400 pm. i don't really have any activites (apart from sitting infront of this bleedin computer!). 2 nights a week i'm at the so called rock and jazz school where i take bass classes and play in 2 bands. all in all i do apart from that is watching my manics + flying circus tapes over and over again (you're talking to the girl who once wathed 4 hours monty python in one go!). usually i just sit and read, though. listening to music. not to forget that i surf the net. sigh. yes, well, i'm being totally honest here, without the net i'd be dead by now. then later i eat, watch a little telly (very little). perhaps take my bike into town. hang in the library, browse the record shop (which is quite crap, really), and so on.
about 2300 pm i get into bed again and try to sleep, which is quite useless. i usually fall asleep at 0100 or so. now tell me i'm boring!
"love is suicide" i'm really tired right now and i'm really sad. it's good that my razors are dead and gone. no it's not. i have nothing to cling to. i'm in love. i always fall in love with people tiwce my age or something. it hurts. love, for me, is very irrational, and quite obsessive. i can't control myself. my legs honestly and truly became jelly today. i feel sick. this is pure split personalities. i don't want to feel this, but i want to feel this. i'm always so very optimistic. yes, it will happen. yes, i'm sure it will happen. but it won't. it just won't. i feel ashamed. it's a total waste of emotion to feel like this. i don't have to worry, it will go over. but i want it to happen, i want reality to be as vivid as the elaborated scenarios i've built up in my head. i got primal scream's exterminator for my birthday. there's one song which i think was as made for me. keep your dreams.
"girl + boy = true?" i am bisexual. i've always been bisexual. the first boy that i ever kissed was in fact a girl. it goes in periods, i can't really say which i fancy the most. it's usually quite masculine girls and quite feminine boys. it's very confusing. but i've never denied what i am. never. i quite enjoy what i am, in fact, i'm proud! what pisses me off, though, is the most fucked-up religion; christianity. i've never believed in god/jesus. no way. i can't stand the fact that they consider me sick and wish that i'd be "cured" through their heartfelt prayers. pardon me, but i don't consider myself "sick". i don't need to be cured and i don't need their prayers. i'll find my own way through the maze, thank you. i personally hope that we'll achieve total androgynity in the near future. it would be wonderful if the conservative, christian western world would realise that their religion is drawing fascist lines about sexuality which makes people deny their orientation, if they're not straight, that is, and indeficient because they have to mould themselves after the narrow-minded mass of "right-thinking" people. if they would realise that the male sex is created out of the female (we've got proof here - the chromosomes) and this way appreciate femininity in both women (and men) more. (i think it's awful the way men are raised as really macho. "boys don't cry"... but that's another topic.) to sum it all up. christians should accept that everyone doesn't believe in their god/religion, and they should let people have more freedom - let people be how homo-bi-poly-hetero-asexual they want to be. i think the bible is an awful and extremely boring book, which should be loosened up a bit. people should get to have their own viewpoints on it, and the dogma the preachers teach should be the "right". christianity doesn't really fit in in our modern society where people search their souls more and more, but have to deny themselves, because it's "wrong" to go against the stream of the millions of people who believe in godallmighty and they'll go to hell if they don't become like them. no, i think that the women's and non-heterosexual role should be better. aah well. i wouldn't call me hetero. i'm not hetero. i still don't believe that love has got with a person's sex to do. and nothing physical either. sigh.
"one-two-three-four" girl bassists are IT. i think every girl looks so incredibly pretty with a bass guitar on their belly! especially a nice sonic blue squier music man vista or any other 'girly' bass. the myth of "the fat, male bassist, who's bitter because he didn't win the fist fight over who'll be the lead guitarist" will soon be dead. the bass is the mother of all instruments. just like the female it keeps things in order. what would a band be without a bassist? you have to be quite talented to master the beauty, actually... and, well, as girls are more talented in certain areas, for example counting to 4 over and over again, therefore they make the best bass players! naah, but surely the "greatest" were men, perhaps that was because the women were "supposed" to look good, play the piano, sing in high, crisp pitches. well not anymore, baby, today the girl looks as she wants to, sings below the male singer and plays the fucking bass guitar!
"chock-lad" varje kväll innan jag går och lägger mig dricker jag kakao. o'boy. den skall vara kall. jag plockar fram ett stort glas, oftast ett stop man dricker öl ur, det är det största glaset vi har, och fyller det med åtminstone en halv liter mjölk. (jag vet att jag borde sluta med mjölk, och det skulle jag gärna göra om det inte var för denna gudomliga kakao...) tar fram den gula kakaoburken med kaniner på. löjligt med kaniner på en kakaoburk. den är lite rostig också. ungefär en matsked brunt pulver är tillräckligt. den skall inte vara för stark. det bästa med kakao är att sitta och titta på när pulvret sjunker. jag brukar leka gud och blåsa de små kakaoöarna i fördärvet. de sjunker sakta ner i mjölken som inte längre är vit, utan ljusbrun. det smakar himmelskt.